Monday, February 13, 2012

A Study on Peeling an Orange

Dear Off the Record, 

Today I peeled an orange. This is what I've been reduced to. The sad truth is that I peeled three oranges. Why, you might ask? Because I wanted a snack. 

But I've decided something. Eating an orange is less of a snack, and more of a hobby. It's like whittling a unicorn from a stick. You have to sit there and carve away the peel for several minutes before you finally get to the goods. Honestly, I don't think I've ever shown that level of commitment to any single food item in my life.

And I did this not once, but three times. 

Ah, but alas, my diet only allows me one orange per diem. So I cheated yet again, it would seem. For the record, that third orange was for my wife...and for love.

Of course, I've said too much. 

Sent from my iPad

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I May Have Jumped Off the Wagon, But I Did It with Class

There comes a time when you have to step back, assess the situation (there was a momentary snicker when I stopped short of finishing the word assess), and just get real with yourself. The situation being my diet; the assessment being that this is a very half-hearted go, to say the least. 

I'm okay with that.

In my defense, however, I had every intention of sticking with the plan during my meal tonight. Earlier this afternoon, between hunger pangs, I actually thought to myself, "I can do this. I will do this." But that all changed when I received a very unexpected, but very welcome, call from my pastor. His tidings were glad, in deed. On this very night, he possessed one very highly sought-after invitation to an exclusive unveiling of our region's newest and most state-of-the-art healthcare facility, which is set to open to the public in just over a month. For those in North East Indiana, you'll recognize the name Parkview Hospital. Yes, my pastor was inviting me to join him as he attended this extravagant event.  

I accepted without hesitation, knowing full well that delicious food would be in good supply, and all would eat to their fancy. And fancy eating, it was. 

The only catch: I had to wear a suit. A minor set back, as it did restrict my full range of motion of hand-to-mouth in rapid succession; a handicap to which I quickly adapted. 

There was a salad bar, and an array of fresh and exotic fruits. I had none of it. Instead, I had my fill of fancy cheeses, red meat, shrimp cocktail, and fancy cheeses on top of red meat. It was delightful. 

The hospital was pretty neat, too.

But I've said too much. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Delicious Shame

I awoke this morning to the sound of my stomach trying to out growl my wife's. She won, much to my chagrin. I actually think my stomach is so under-used, it's lost the will to growl. Life could be better.

As miserable as I may be, you can't argue with results. My digital scale revealed that I'm down another one-point-four pounds from yesterday, a trend that is probably coming to a screeching halt after tonight.

Just moments ago, I inhaled a Chipotle burrito without even realizing was like my mouth was on auto-pilot. In a fog, I tried to remember what brought me to such a lowly state. Then it came back to temptress of a wife suggested the food of choice when I was at my worst. Resistance was futile. So I drowned my sorrow with, three...Oreo cookies.

They were double-stuff.

It's okay, though. Thanks to the hormones I'm taking (HCG), I'm pretty sure I would pass a pregnancy test...or fail a pregnancy test, depending on your perspective. That's a post for another time.

I've said too much.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Bitter Fruit

One day in, and I'm convinced this diet was created by Satan, himself. I actually felt guilty for having an extra orange last night. 

And I still haven't acquired the taste for black gives you Columbian prison inmate breath. 

After two salads, snacks comprised of strictly fruit, and having to pass on numerous junk food opportunities, life seems to have lost all meaning. Grasping for a way out, I declared that if I hadn't lost 2 lbs by morning, I was done. 

Of course, I lost exactly 2 lbs. Curse my digital scale. 

I've said too much.

Sent from my iPad

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Winter of My Discontent

I appear to love misery...especially if I can document it. I remind you that some time ago I deliberately cut out all caffeine from my life, and brought you along through the journey of my self-inflicted torture. 

A new journey begins today.

You see, I'm a little less than satisfied with my current weight situation. Most people who see me on a regular basis would be surprised by this. But the fact remains that just yesterday morning I tipped the scales at over 200 lbs. That's the most I've ever weighed, to my knowledge. I decided right then and there that it's time to look at my gut in the eye and declare war. So I said to my gut, "I solemnly swear to destroy you, gut." And I will.

So, today I begin a new starvation regimen, also known as a diet. A few changes that have already been made: I'm drinking my caffeinated coffee black (yes, caffeinated - I fell off that bandwagon months ago), and I'll be eating a salad for lunch. Yes. A salad...with the dressing on the side. And no cheese. 

Already I'm wondering what I've become. 

Black coffee. No cheese. No sugar. No spice of life (or fatty foods, as they say in the health industry). These next few weeks will shake me at the very core of my being. And yes, I will be blogging regularly to bring you into my pain. 

I've only just begun.

Sent from my iPad