Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Caffeine Detox

Settle in with me, if you please, as I recount some of the darkest days of my life (in the past month).  Before you accept this offer, however, you need to prepare yourself to be enthralled by a chilling tale of woes and sorrows - which happens to rhyme (note to self: write a song called "Woes and Sorrows"... sounds like a country song). Most of what you're about to read is absolutely true, with only liberal amounts of creative embellishment.

A month ago I decided that it was time to quit caffeine. I can't really recall as to why this rash decision was made, as memory loss is one of the side affects of quitting caffeine suddenly and inexplicably (which is explained later, should you continue reading beyond this point). Luckily for you, I kept a detailed journal of all that I experienced during the fifteen hellish days of my caffeine detox.

Before I lavish those details upon you, however, it might do the reader some good to know exactly what I was walking away from. On any given day I would consume as much as 700 mg of caffeine. That's roughly equivalent to drinking almost thirteen Mt. Dews in one day (curious as to how I figured this out? Simple - I Googled it). Needless to say - I was in pretty deep.

Then one day, out of the blue, I just decided to quit caffeine. What followed next was a series of days that tested my resolve, and my bowels. If you must, those days are outlined for you below.

Days 1-3:
No big deal. I was feeling pretty confident. I may have even given a few high fives on several occasions on those first three days.

Day 4:
The headaches begin - mind crushing, soul scraping headaches.

Day 5:
Body aches in my shoulders and lower back. I hated life itself.

Day 6:
Profound inability to concentrate. I cursed the woman who gave me life.

Day 7:
Random outbursts of rage. My wife cursed the woman who gave me life.

Day 8:
A heightened appreciation for multi-player first-person shooter video games - though, sadly, simulated killing brought little relief.

Day 9:
Loss of bodily functions. My children abhorred me.

Day 10:
Facial contusions. I really shouldn't accredit these to my caffeine detox, as these were actually the result of repeated punches to my facial region by my wife, who was also in the midst of her caffeine detox.

Day 11:
Loss of fingernails and teeth.

Day 12:
Inexplicable impulse to howl at the moon.

Day 13:
The sudden ability to see in the dark.

Day 14:
Uncontrollable weeping.

Day 15:
A withered soul.

Days 16 through 30 have been steady improvements. I once again have the zeal for life that gets me out of bed every morning - only to engage in the pageantry of drinking a cup or two of decaf instant coffee.

I've said too much.


  1. Definitely one of my favorite posts so far...probably because it hits so close to home! :)

  2. I clicked "cool," because I am. I clicked "interesting," because I am. I clicked "funny," because your suffering amuses me.