Top Ten Rules for Food Fulfillment

I'm throwing out another post with an urgent plea for prayer on behalf of my wife. In just one hour she will be lured to that place of abomination known to the juvenile community as Chuck E. Cheese. Why, in the name of all that is good and decent, would she ever go there? I know you're thinking it. So am I. But I'll tell you why. Her niece recently turned six, and it's her birthday party. All I can say is people do crazy crap for family.

I, on the other hand, have opted to stay home. 

It's in these moments that I'm reminded of a list of rules that I recently shared in an address to our church. These rules are meant to bring a deeper sense of fulfillment to one of my favorite activities, which is food. After sharing these rules, a friend and colleague mentioned that they were dripping with OtR mojo, and so I thought I'd share them now. They are all too timely in light of the fact that my wife will soon be breaking rule #7. Here they are…the top ten rules for food fulfillment: 

1. When you eat a Chipotle burrito, you must maintain a firm grip on the burrito at all times. If ever you lose that grip, you may never get it back. Catastrophic results have been well documented. 
2. When eating sushi, you must eat with chopsticks. Soy sauce is highly recommended. Wasabi should be used responsibly. 
3. When eating a Chick-fil-a chicken sandwich, you must order extra pickles. There is some flexibility on this if you are in fact deathly allergic to pickles. 
4. When eating a Dunkin' Donuts glazed donut, you must warm it up in the microwave for no fewer than eight seconds prior to inserting it into your mouth. Keep in mind, however, that anything over ten seconds is just pretentious. 
5. When eating at Cebolla's, you must order in Spanish. There are apps to help with this.
6. Also when eating at Cebolla's, you must remain within 30 seconds of a bathroom for at least an hour after the completion of your meal. 
7. When eating at Chuck E. Cheese, don't. 
8. When looking for healthy snacks, anything that says "0 grams trans fat" anywhere on the packaging qualifies. 
9. Pringles Extreme Dill Pickle flavored chips are good. That's more of a statement than a rule.
10. I got sleepy and never came up with a tenth one. 

I've said too much.